my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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