what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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