He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
