My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
