if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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