yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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