She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
