I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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