Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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