In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
