when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
