Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
