We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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