Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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