I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
