New low: just hacked my moms facebook
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
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