Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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