when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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