I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
