so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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