The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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