I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
