help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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