I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
