these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
