wakey wakey hands off snakey
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
