Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
