Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
