I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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