Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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