his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
