Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
