maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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