Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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