she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
