I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
