it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
