So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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