now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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