I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
