so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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