my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
