They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
