She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Randomize
