remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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