I can text with my tongue
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I need water and some morals
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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