We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
