So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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