I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
