Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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