you're like a bully in the Christmas story
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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