sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
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