if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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