Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
