His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
