I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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