I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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