she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
