I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
