I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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